I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
