She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
