someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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