i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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