I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
