We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
