I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
