I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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