I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
