I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
