He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
