Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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