Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
