U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
