I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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