Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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