i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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