So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
