I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
