I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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