I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
