I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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