I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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