I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
