Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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