I wish my penis had an off switch
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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