Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
