Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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