You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's shark week go big or go home
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
