nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
