He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
