Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
