Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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