I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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