I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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