so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.