god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
