I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
