I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
