Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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