i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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