I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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