I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
