The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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