we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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