I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
