yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
