I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The best revenge is premature balding
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
