you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
