I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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