I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dicks are not precious.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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