we have pet lesbian snakes
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
