I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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