I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
