I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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