if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
