don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
